


Deadpool, it’s not as bad as you think

by Deaddreams99



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-10-18 00:07:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20629793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deaddreams99/pseuds/Deaddreams99
Summary: Deadpool and pals find out their friend isn’t who they say they are. Allana is a super-heroine cross dressing badass, and her chemistry with Deadpool is off the charts.





	1. Chapter 1

Deadpool knocked on the door of a warehouse building. When no one answered within all but 2 seconds he kicked it open and walked inside confidently. He was greeted by the dumbfounded faces of groups of men at circular tables playing poker. He reached into his utility bag that attached to his leg and pulled out a crumpled white piece of paper. Everyone looked at him stunned. “Which one of you is-“. Stopping mid-sentence, he took the piece of paper and straightened it out with his hands, looking at it more closely, and said “hold on”. The men in the room were stunned by his presence. Which questioning looks on their faces they began to stand up. “Clint Torres....Ppffftt Hahahaha Clitoris?” He said slapping his knee and staggering over laughing “No wonder I was hired to find you!”.  
  
The dumbfounded men had either begun to scramble or draw their weapons. “Son of a bitch wait! Which one of you is clit!” Deadpool said throwing a knife at one of the men posed to shoot him.  
A large muscular charged towards him from across the room. “And what’s your name? Is it Hugh Jass?” Deadpool said. The man grabbed him and slammed him up against a wall. He was stronger than a non-mutated human. “Any relation to Hugh Jackman? Buff guy, looks like wolverine?” He blocked a punch and kicked the man across the room. “Now I’m going to give you one more chance. Where’s the clitoris!?” He said in a stern and serious tone while walking towards the mutant and pulling out a katana. The mutant, in an exhausted attempt to defeat his foe, pulled out a gun and shot. “What is with you guys? Do you really not know who I am? It’s like our author couldn’t make the story work with the movie timeline”. He drove his katana into the mutant from above, spraying blood everywhere and pulled out his katana and moved on.  
  
Bodies dropped as he ran through the room slicing anyone who got in his way. Then he spotted the man that was described to him. He was a man in his mid-50s, he had a short beard and he was out of shape but, despite that he had people protecting him with some decent weaponry. He was just another shitbag running the human trafficking scheme. Oddly, some of the kidnappings he was involved in had been young mutants and from what Deadpool could tell he even had a few adults helping him “recruit”.  
  
A large group of men came in between him and the clitoris. “Really neverland ranch? Henchmen?” He sliced through a row of men. He grabbed one man’s arm that had his hand outstretched to fire his gun and pointed it at the man’s dick and made him pull the trigger.  
  
From around a corner in the back of the warehouse he heard yelling and saw a man standing towards the back of the room fall with a blade in his chest. A lean but muscular figure dressed in an all-black suit and mask ran into view attacking the crowd. “Batman!” Deadpool yelled cheerfully. “That’s my friend Batman! You guys are about to get double penetrated”.  
  
Batman, as deadpool called him, was another vigilante that had crossed his path on numerous occasions lately. He dressed in an all-black body suit with wrists, ankles, and knees reinforced with a dark metallic material. On his wrist cuffs were the word “allegory” which is what his name should be except Deadpool thought he looked more like Batman. He had a lean build with a muscular upper body and was quite short.  
  
Acknowledging Deadpool’s presence, Allegory shook his head and they fought their way through the criminals. However, their target was given the opportunity to make his way out of a back exit when a teenage girl stepped in between him and the vigilantes. She was wearing cut off shorts and a black mesh shirt.  
“Hey now, I don’t know what he did to you but you’re safe now. You don’t have to stay with him.” Deadpool put up his hands to show he wasn’t going to do anything. Allegory stood watching.  
“Come on. We can kill him together, alright?”  
The girl stepped forward and a loud vibrating sound erupted from the room knocking the two back. When they got up she and their target had fled and a large portion of the back wall was missing where the two stood.  
  
Deadpool hobbled up from the floor excitedly “holy shit what was that? Did she just go super Saiyan??!” He dusted himself off and ran towards the broken wall but when we go to the edge there was no one in sight. He looked back and saw Allegory a few feet back from where he was standing before with his hands on his knees.  
  
“You alright there buddy? One piece really did a number on us. That was incredible.” He looked at a few places on his arms and legs that had tears in his suit. “I’m not even mad at the kid”.  
  
He walked over and patted allegory on the back who stood up straight now. He was looking himself over to see if he had any damage but, he wasn’t as close as Deadpool so he didn’t find any. Allegory shook his head up and down. Deadpool had never heard him speak. He didn’t know if it was to protect his identity or if he couldn’t talk but, he didn’t mind.  
  
“So what are you doing now? You want to come to the bar with me to have a beer? We can discuss this years sexiest man alive”. He winked through the suit.  
  
Allegory pointed to his wrist where a watch would be as if to say “no time” and waived his finger back and forth. Deadpool said “right, you don’t talk. You might not even have a mouth under there to drink beer or anything else a mouth might do come to think of it” Deadpool said grabbing his chin and looking inquisitively. Allegory stood arms crossed looking at Deadpool ramble on to himself.  
  
“Well if you need to talk you’ll know where to find me” And as allegory walked away Deadpool slapped his ass. Allegory turned around not angry but instead comically blew a kiss with his hand and left.


	2. Chapter 2

The air conditioner was blowing loud and cold air pervaded the room. The temperature was a considerable transition from the hot and muggy city air that Allegory had just left.   
  
Allegory threw the keys onto the counter and walked over to the ac vent while undressing.  
  
Shoulder length dark brown curls were shaken from the mask that she pulled off. Her eyes were almond shaped and brown with hints of green undulating out of the pupil. Next was the body armor which hid her breast and small frame. It was lined with a flexible but material to give the appearance of a man’s figure. Her skin was like porcelain with an olive tone and she had freckles on her shoulders and face. She stood there in white panties and a bra while she rolled her head back and forth letting the cold touch every surface of her skin.  
  
After a few minutes she walked into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for bed. She pulled a towel out of the cabinet and hung it on the towel holder next to the shower. She turned on the shower and undressed out of her last bit of clothes while looking into the mirror while the water got hot. Bruises of yellow and purple were already showing up on her arm and back from the blast earlier. “That silly little bitch” she said smirking.  
  
The water hot water stung her skin, she liked it. The heat pooled down the back of her hair as she tilted her head back and forth, sliding down and encompassing her thighs. It was exactly what she needed to relax.   
  
After a long shower she prepared her dinner and turned on the horror movie “Us” and watched it until she fell asleep. Falling asleep to a horror movie was often a nightly ritual. They usually made her laugh but, she enjoyed this film a lot.  
  
The next day  
  
Allegory sat slumped into her office chair. It was a cloudy day and the dimmed sunlight sunk into the 4th floor of the Taylor building on 5th street where she sat, perched like a cat taking a nap on a computer desk.  
  
Allana!” Brenden shook the back of her chair, waking her from her catnap.  
  
“WHEN?!” She yelled. Both allana and brenden looked at each other and burst out laughing.  
“When what?” He said.  
“Shhh you caught me off guard I was napping.” She whispered. “You scared the shit out of me”  
“I think you mean thank you Brendan” he said rolling his chair closer to hers and putting his elbows on his knees and his palms to his chin.  
She laughed “thank you” she said in an overly enthusiastic manner and giggled and waved Brendan off.  
  
She inserted a pair of headphones into her ear and pulled up the excel spreadsheet she was supposed to be working on. She was lucky it was only Brendan who caught her.  
“Fuck I can’t be falling asleep at work” she thought while rubbing her forehead.  
  
The day passed slow and as exhausted as she was she felt like a kid who just couldn’t wait to get outside. She longed for the anonymity and the feel of her costume.  
At 5pm she struggled to gather all of her belongings in her arms and stay still long enough to press the clock out button on her computer. As soon as she had clocked out she had briskly walked out the door, holding herself back from breaking into a sprint to avoid seeming any more peculiar than she already was.  
  
In the car she put on “roaring 20s by P!ATD” and cheerfully sang along on her commute home. She was a dangerous driver and liked feeling the car slide around corners by taking turns too fast. Some how she had never been in a wreck.


	3. Chapter 3

When she arrived at her condo she immediately striped naked where she stood, tossing clothes into random piles, and hoisted her uniform over her hips and covering her body. She grabbed a big trench coat from the bathroom, a baseball cap, and walked out the door. She took the alley behind her apartments and stripped off her overcoat and hat, now wearing her costume that included her mask to hide her identity. The costume was fitted with filler on the hips, chest, and shoulders to give her a more masculine appearance but, instead it just made her look like a man in his late teens. A lot like Spiderman actually.  
  
She walked to the bar where Deadpool often drank, knowing that he would be leaving soon and that she couldn’t get a drink without giving away her identity, she leaned against the wall outside of the bar. Within a few minutes Deadpool came walking out, saw a figure out of the corner of his eye, and pulled out his katanas and held them to her neck. She gasped and winced, forgetting to hide her voice.  
  
“Wow A, don’t sneak up on me like that again.”  
  
A put up her hands and waved them as if to say please no and I’m sorry. Deadpool laughed and put his katanas away.  
“For a second there I could swear you sounded like a little boy. Maybe I’ll call you Spiderman from now on.” He said lightly punching her shoulder. She grabbed her shoulder and pushed him back and then they went on their way.  
  
“Time to find baby xman..or woman. We have to get those mutants out of there before mr clitoris gets to them”  
  
He laughed and looked at A who muffled a laugh. “I knew I’d get you sometime A”.  
  
They rounded a corner and walked back to the wearhouse they were at the day before. The hole still blown out of the wall. A and Deadpool split up, looking ib different places for evidence. A was in one of the farther rooms when she felt someone grab her from behind and a warm sticky liquid run down her shoulder. She looked down and screamed. There was a blade through her shoulder and blood everywhere.  
  
“Hey this ones a bitch!” The man yelled and ripped off her mask. He punched her on the face and dragged her by her leg across the floor where he dropped her legs and began kicking her in the stomach and back.  
  
Deadpool heard a scream and came running into the room. He saw 2 men standing over a girl on the floor in a black and red uniform. A? A saw him pull out his katanas. She lay on the floor covered in blood. Her ears were ringing and with each beat of her heart her eyes were fading to grey. She blacked out with her last glimpse of Deadpool slicing one of the men in half.  



	4. Chapter 4

A woke up to the sound of traffic. She was in a dusty apartment on an old green couch. She went to sit up but yelped when she tried to move her arm, the arm of the shoulder that was stabbed.  
  
Deadpool heard the yelp and entered the room. “Good morning beautiful, I mean A, I mean allegory. I mean Alana Vicary” he giggled holding her wallet. “Can’t believe you’re a woman although yay for female empowerment and women’s rights. Hopefully you speak. You speak, right?”  
  
“Ahem, uh yeah hi. Thanks for saving me”  
“No problem kitten”  
She sat up. “What’s your name anyway-“ she grabbed a piece of mail on the table and read outloud “Wade.... Wilson???” She burst into laughter. “What kind of name is Wade Wilson??? Sounds like Lloyd Christmas”  
“Har har har” He said. “My parents were big hockey fans. And you, ms Vicary. What’s your story?”  
“Accountant by day. Ex survivalist compound brat and super heroine by night. Comedian, master of sarcasm, food enthusiast.”  
“Cute” He said.  
“Speaking of cute I should get back to my condo” she said.  
“Ummm I doubt you’ll be doing that. You’re missing a leg.”  
She looked down saw both legs still attached, rolled her eyes, and tried to get up. Throbbing pain shot down her arm and shoulder and she cried out from the pain.  
“You’d better call out sick from whatever it is you said you do for a living, at least until I can get you some pain medication. For now, drink this, he went into the kitchen and handed her a beer.  
“Thank you” she said. Then she carefully composed an email on her phone informing her boss that she would not be in for the week due to a medical emergency. It was Thursday so not a serious issue in terms of calling out.  
  
“Lay down” he said.  
“Wait” she said. “Take off the mask”  
“HAH, no. Have you seen the exorcist? It’s like that but tall and dreamy”  
“Hah yeah right. I can practically see your whole body. I can see your muscles and you have a cute voice” she said.  
“Flattering but no dice” he said and sat down at the end of the couch putting her feet in his lap. “You should know personally that things aren’t always as they seem” he gestured to her.  
  
She nodded and adjusted her posture to become more comfortable with her feet in his lap but the movement made her wince. She realized her bladder was full and she knew she had to get up.  
“I have to use the bathroom, where is it?”  
“Down the hall the first door on the left”  
  
Alana tried to stand up again but nearly toppled over. The tear in her shoulder was excruciating along with the bruises on her stomach and back. Deadpool moved quickly and in one quick motion picked her up in a cradle position and began walking her to the bathroom. She moaned in pain from the contact of his body against hers.  
“Oh my god Wade be careful! Be careful!” She yelled.  
He stopped walking for a moment and said “I’m sorry. Are you uncomfortable? Do I need to reposition you?”  
Alana looked at Deadpool’s mask covered face and in one moment she made a decision she couldn’t take back. She pulled off his mask, exposing his face. His skin was a leathery texture of scar tissue from what appeared to be extensive burns. Despite this, he was still some what handsome. He had a strong jawline, soft lips, and blue eyes. The burns had not damaged the muscle tissue.  
  
“Oo-oops” she said making an awkward face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”  
“What were you expecting? Tuxedo mask?”  
“You are a good looking guy, you know” she said.  
“Okay you’ve gotta take a piss and I have to go do positive self talk in the mirror now” he walked into the bathroom and set her down in front of the toilet, then walked out of the room yelling “call me when you’re done!”  
  
Wade tossed his mask on the kitchen counter, opened his refrigerator and grabbed a beer. He opened it and took a big drink and then leaned against the refrigerator. Alana was so pretty, so cute, so beautiful. Why the hell would she rip off his mask?  
  
“Uhhh I’m done” he saw her slowly trying to make her way down the hallway, leaning against walls.  
“Oh my god do you learn?” He said rushing to her, helping her back to the couch.  
He picked up her feet and put them on his lap, sitting down. “Here” he grabbed the remote. “A Barbara Streisand marathon is on”. She burst out laughing “a who what? Wade you really are a such a weirdo. I love it”  
“Yuh huh let’s watch Barbara now” he took a swig of beer and shifted into a more comfortable position but, as the movie went on Wade kept looking at Alana out of the corner of his eye. Her nose was sloped like a fairy, her cheeks a canvas of freckles, and her eyes were a deep hazel color. She was more than stunning.   
Alana herself relaxed into a more comfortable position and turned to watch the movie “funny girl”.  
A half hour passed, and Alana was submerged in the film. She kept looking back over at Wade, their eyes nearly missing each other’s gazes. In between the voyeurism, he was reciting the lines of the film. He must have seen it 100 times before.  
Breaking the silence, there was a knock at the door.  
Deadpool stood up moving Alana’s feet off him. He opened the door and Weasel walked in. “Here the stuff man”. He extended his left hand which held a brown paper bag. Weasel’s eyes shifted over to Alana and then back to Wade.   
“Be careful, this stuff is strong, market grade stuff, like granny’s purse type stuff”. He looked at Wade curiously. “You’re not trying to date again, are you? I mean its whats inside that counts right?”.   
“Funny” Wade said. “This is A. You know, A as in hero in the red and black costume, as in Alana”. Weasel was stunned. “Ohhh…role playing…I get it. I didn’t know you were into that” he said.  
“No one is getting it on or role playing” Alana said slightly sitting up. “It’s me.” She pointed at the suit with padding laid out on the table in front of her. “Yeah yeah yeah I’m a cross-dressing woman”.   
She smiled at them both.   
Wade frowned "Role play is off the table? I was saving myself for that”  
“Afraid so and why are you giving my identity away” She squinted and look at him with judgement.  
“You ripped of my mask. I owe you one”  
“You’re right, you’re right” She said turning back to the film.  
“Well this is awkward…I’m going to go. Nice to see you without your mask.” He waved at Alana. “You not so much” he looked at Wade.  
“Thanks for that” Wade said, shutting the door behind Weasel.  
  
“Bahahaha” Alana busted out laughing. “Is Weasel always such an asshole?”   
Wade shot her a curious look with a raised eyebrow.  
“Oh, It’s really not that bad you know. I’m sorry, I just thought you two were joking with each other”   
“We were! And now we’re going to go jerk each other off for the night time films”.  
Wade looked at her with a big fake smile. She awkwardly smiled. She was used to Deadpool being weird to allegory but not Wade being weird to Alana.  
He threw the bag full of pills onto the table next to her.   
“Well you’re handsome new superhero boyfriend is going to bed now. Sweet nightmares thinking of THIS FACE”. His hands moved in a circular motion in front of his face. “Don’t forget to take the medicine”.  
“Waaait I’m hungry and what are these pills anyway?”   
He walked over to the refrigerator and opened it, looking in. It was empty.  
“Ummm” he said.  
“I’ll order pizza.” She said.  
“Pepperoni and pineapple?” Wade replied.  
“Yessss!” She said.   
“I’m buying though” he said. “You’re my guest. You’re the writer and I’m Kathy Bates”   
“Hah!” She laughed. “Please don’t break my legs. I’m already broken enough.”  
“Okay really though I’m going to get some sleep. I’ve got a long day of slaughtering human traffickers tomorrow and I want to be in a good mood. I’ll grab you a blanket and a pillow. When you’re ready to sleep you can come switch me and take the bed and I’ll take the couch.”  
Alana nodded at Wade. “Okay, thank you” she said politely as Wade walked down the hall into his bedroom.


	5. Chapter 5

Alana sat staring at the bag of pills that lay in the crumpled brown paper bag on the table in front of her. She leaned forward and peered into the bag. Medium sized round white pills littered the bottom of the bag. “I’ll take one, no..maybe two, this really hurts” She thought. 

She sat back down on the couch and continued to watch the movie marathon. It was nostalgic for her. When she had left the compound, one of the first things she did was immerse herself into movies and television. It was a new world that she hadn’t seen before. Funny Girl was one of the first films she ever watched.  
As time passed and the movie played on, she started to wonder if the medication would be strong enough to knock out the pain. In her teens she dabbled in drugs and had an idea of the effect these might have on her. Despite this knowledge, she took one more.  
The pizza arrived and Alana passed the 20 dollar bill to the delivery boy, and sat down with her dinner. At this point she was feeling a blend of euphoria and wooziness that freed her from inhibition. She could barely feel the throbbing in her shoulder anymore. She ate a slice of pizza and then carefully walked over to the refrigerator where she took out a beer, unscrewed it, and downed half at once.  
She started to walk back to the couch but stumbled a little. She was high, “Time for bed or mischief” she thought. “MISCHIEF IT IS” she said.  
She giggled to herself and began to move all of the furniture in the living room two inches to the left. That way Wade would be disoriented when he woke up tomorrow but, as she tried to move the couch with her one good arm it caused a shooting pain in her other shoulder. She screamed. “Fuck you couch!” she yelled. Then with her legs she pushed the couch to the left.  
Out of the hallway peered a very tired and confused Wade. “Are you trying to have sex with my couch?” he said.  
She burst into laughter and stumbled forward onto the couch yelping in pain.  
Wade picked up the bag of pills. “How many did you take?” he said.  
“1,2,4 maybe. I don’t remember now” she laughed.  
“Okay, bed time naughty girl” Wade said.

He walked over to her and took her by the hand. “Are your legs working? Do you need a ride?” he said chuckling. “Not that I meant..you know what nevermind” he said picking her up again and walking down the hall with her.  
“Myyyy herrooo” she laughed. He walked into a room to the right and gently sat her down on the bed. He turned around to leave the room but she called out “waaaiit”. He turned to look at her again. Her curls spilled onto her face and she pushed them back off of her as she lay on his bed. She was a dream. “Don’t leave me I’m scared and high, please”.  
Wade walked over to her. She was reclined with her back and head on pillows, in a slightly upward position. He climbed on top of her holding himself over her body as to not put any weight on it. She was shocked by his movement and gasped. She could see his muscles bulging as he held himself up above her. Alana felt herself yearn for his body and in between her legs she became wet.  
“What in the fuck are you fucking with me for?” He said. “You know I do a very VERY sexy Freddie Kruger impersonation”.  
She laughed and hit her lip. “Kiss me and find out why and how”.  
“Alana as much as I want to find out what is beneath the clothes you’re wearing, you’re high as balls right now and my balls are also high, suspended above you and my dick is hard and daddy is going to need alone time to take care of this problem tonight.” He pointed down to his dick moved his body off of hers to sit on the edge of the bed.  
“Please don’t go, just cuddle me” Alana said.  
Wade walked over to the other side of the bed, slipped under the blankets, and wrapped one arm around her waist. “Does this hurt?”  
“It’s worth it” she smiled.  
Wade turned over, turned off the light, and repositioned himself against her. The darkness consumed the room and a constant breeze from the air conditioner grazed her arms and face. She pushed herself against Wade’s body. He was so warm and comforting. She closed her eyes and the night faded away. 

.


End file.
